Spring rain

Leaving the city of panic

There was a time where I lived with a raging panic inside of me. The panic was electric, however, and so it didn’t always feel bad, and so I didn’t always recognise it as panic. I thought that was just what it mean to be fully alive, and so if I was calm in the way I am feeling right now it would not be calm but would be a dulling – a tarnish on the shining, unbearable energy inside of me.

I used to wonder what would fill the panic’s space, should it leave my life, and now I am finding out. It drains out gradually, like water, drop by drop. It leaves a widening quiet, a room in which I can sit and think.